April 1, 2009
The recently passed economic stimulus package was found to have some unexpected consequences. A congressional intern discovered yesterday that an obscure section of the law actually bans all use of plastics.
The intern, Goodfer Nothing, who made this discovery said "I was reading the entire bill as part of a dare. Since no one else had ever read the whole thing, me and some other interns had a contest going to see who could read the whole thing first. I also found that it was good for some insomnia."
The section of the bill banning all plastics was an amendment submitted by Rep. Re Hensible. When I caught up with the Congressman, he stated "Well as I recall, I think I wanted the amendment to say that we would ban all plastic, but I really meant 'plastic money', you know, credit cards. But it was late at night and we were tired and at a loss for words, so I guess we never changed it. Oh well. Now that I think about it, banning all plastics isn't such a bad idea after all. I kinda like it."
Major plastics producers were unavailable for comment as current ownership of any company changes faster than a game of three-card Monte, making it impossible to identify appropriate personnel to contact.