April 1, 2010
Senator Ima Windbag released today a set of double-secret, triple confidential internal memos from the Bisphenol-A Research Foundation (BARF) showing that the group, in an effort to assure wide usage of bisphenol A (BPA) in the future, had researched and developed modified forms of BPA that led to consumers becoming physically addicted to it. Dozens of different variations were produced and tested, but the memo specifically found that opiate-modified BPA was the most effective at forming the addictions.
The shocking memos revealed test results using rats showing that once exposed to polycarbonate and other plastics using the modified BPA, the animals were relentless in their pursuit of the chemical. Researchers found that the animals initially just licked the linings in food cans, but as the addiction worsened, ate the entire can. Still unsated, they started consuming the music CD’s and DVD’s at the lab. The unidentified author of the memos provided a bit of personal insight: “At first I wasn’t concerned because they ate a Justin Bieber CD that belong to my daughter. I thought the rats had good tastes. But when they ate my “Gonna Take You Downtown" CD by Beau Jacque and the Zydeco Hi Rollers, then I knew we had a winner”.
One potentially positive suggestion of the report was to create a large swarm of addicted rats and drop them overboard in the Great Pacific Garbage Patch where they could swim around and eat all the plastic.
Senator Windbag was indignant about this disclosure and promised a full investigation. The Senator stated: “We need more regulations and rules to prevent these shenanigans. That’s just another reason that I’m in favor of a smaller government which would let us have more freedom to let people run their businesses any way they want. Oh, and God bless America!”