Monday, April 01, 2013

An Open Letter to Justin Bieber

April 1, 2013

My dearest Justin,

It is time that you and I came out our about relationship. Yes, it’s time that the world knew. Many have suspected it for a long time. It’s now your turn to do the right thing and speak openly about what you have longed dream about and desired to have come true one day : to give up music and become a rheologist.

The stress of keeping it secret any longer is tearing you apart. Look at how everything is falling apart for you on your European tour. The paparazzi know about secret love of rheology and that’s what led to that scuffle with them in London.

I didn’t need to listen to the audio to know that they provoked you by telling you that the shear rate in a melt flow indexer CAN be calculated. You know better. Now I see that you spit on your neighbor because he told you “the glass-transition is not a ‘real’ phase transition”. This will only get worse. Next time it will be a customs official telling you that “physical aging doesn’t occur” or maybe it will be a Bieberhater saying that you don't know the difference between the Deborah and Weissenberg numbers.

You can make this stop by telling the truth about your great longing to be a rheologist.

When you first came to me, you were so young and innocent. You asked about the rheology of hair gels and other personal care products. I could see then that you were driven by a deep desire that would have to be fulfilled. And so I’ve been your mentor, your teacher and your sensei. And I am so proud of all the progress you have made so quickly, more than I ever imagined possible. Our relationship has blossomed and we are both better for it. I can give you the support you will need to give up music.

Giving it up won’t be easy. I know that personally. My family name, Spevacek, is Czech for “little singer”, so when I became a rheologist, I turned away from my heritage. I will never forget the silent scorn and hate in my parents eyes when I told them that I was going to be a rheologist. I tried to explain that it was something I had long suspected, and had tried to deny to myself, but I couldn’t handle the lies. I asked them for their support and love, and assured them that I would still be able to find someone special to love and create a family and have children, but they refused to listen and tossed me out of the house without even a Brookfield viscometer.

I know you will have more support than that. To be sure, TMZ will give you a hard time for about as long as three Harlem Shake videos, but it will pass. Many of your fans will leave, but in that way you will learn who your real fans are – the ones that stay with you. And sadly, your Klout score of a perfect 100 will also drop to almost nothing as it must for all rheologists, but think of the joy in your heart every time a new edition of the Journal of Rheology arrives in your mailbox. Or when you make your first master curve. Or being able to explain the difference between thixotropy and rheopexy.

So Justin, do the right thing and cancel the rest of your tour. Come home and follow your true calling. Become a rheologist. Together with me at your side, we can rule the rheological universe.

Oh, and one last thing? Could you put me in contact with Lindsay Lohan? I hear she has some messed-up ideas about reactive extrusion of urethanes in twin-screw extruders. That girl needs some serious help.


To my readers, while it is true that Spevacek is Czech for little singer, nothing else in that paragraph (or the rest of the letter for that matter) is truthful in the least. My parents have always been supportive of whatever I’ve wanted to do, and Simon Cowell would be at a complete loss for words to describe how truly awful my singing voice is. "Giving up my heritage"? Hardly. Being a rheologist is proof that singing ability is not genetic.

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